


Baby, It's Cold Outside

by starrywrite



Series: Robot AU [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Romance, Robot AU, Robots, Well I tried, ohohohohohooh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2725115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>According to the movie industry, there’s something about the Christmas season that makes humans fall in love and romantically embrace each other in the snow, under the moonlight. Robots don’t do this - they don’t kiss and snow isn’t safe because water and electronics are not a match made in heaven, but Phil still can’t shake the feeling that there’s just something about this whole “kissing” thing that he really wants to experience.</p><p>companion piece/deleted scenes for my fic "Even Robots Need Blankets"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby, It's Cold Outside

**Author's Note:**

> cliche title is cliche dont look at me heLLO FRIENDS HERE IS MY FIRST HOLIDAY THEMED FIC OF THE SEASON CAN U TELL IM EXCITED I HOPE UR EXCITED AS WELL!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOURS TRULY AND ROBOT!PHIL <3
> 
> (((lets just say kissing robots is not an easy task to accomplish hashtag pray 4 dan)))

_“Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”_

Next to him, Dan shifts in the couch, bringing the blanket that’s wrapped around his shoulders up to cover his face as he wipes his eyes, and Phil turns his head to look at him. “Why is Dan crying?” he asks.

“Dan’s not crying!” the brunet insists, but Phil can see the crystalline tears rolling down his cheeks and he tightens his grip around his human’s shoulders, hugging him tightly against his robotic body. Dan shivers a bit and pulls the blanket he’s wrapped around more snugly around himself. The one downside to cuddles with a robot - aside from the fact that they aren’t exactly built for cuddles - is that their metallic bodies tend to be freezing in the colder months and positively sweltering in the hotter months. Which is why Dan’s been forced to don one of his Christmas jumpers as well as wrap himself up in his duvet while he cuddles up on the couch with is best friend tonight. Movie nights aren’t complete without cuddles. 

Dan clears his throat, all evidence that he was crying now, for the most part, gone and he asks Phil, “So, ready for another movie?”

Phil nods eagerly. Today had been his favorite day; spending the afternoon, leading into the night, watching Christmas movies with Dan. The two had been huddled up together on the couch for hours, Phil sat comfortably with his best friend by his side, and there is no other way that he would prefer to spend his day. 

He’s also decided that Christmas is officially his favorite holiday - maybe his second favorite, because Dan’s birthday is his first favorite, but Dan keeps insisting that it’s not a ‘real’ holiday even though Phil considers to to be one. But Christmas is so much different from Dan’s birthday; Christmas just feels… magical. The lights and the music and the holiday cheer, it’s all so incredible. Phil thinks it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. 

The next movie plays and Phil immerses himself in the plot immediately, watching the story of two people in love unfold and it’s nothing unique or different by any means, because he and Dan have already watched multiple movies with a similar plot. But according to the movie industry, there’s something about the Christmas season that makes humans fall in love and romantically embrace each other in the snow, under the moonlight. Robots don't do this - they don't kiss and snow isn't safe because water and electronics are not a match made in heaven, but Phil still can't shake the feeling that there's just something about this whole “kissing” thing that he really wants to experience.

The act of kissing - the touch or pressing of one's lips against another person or an object, which Phil learns after doing a quick mental search of it - is very strange to Phil. Why did humans decide that pressing their lips together is an act of expressing how much they like someone? It’s all very weird but apparently it’s very normal to movies, since Phil has yet to see a movie throughout his and Dan’s marathon where two people haven’t kissed each other. 

He wonders if robots can kiss - surely they _don’t_ but _can_ they? Phil’s never received a kiss before, not from a fellow robot or a human, and maybe it’s the Christmas season having a strange effect on him but he really wants to kiss Dan. 

In the movies, sometimes one of the humans will surprise their human with a kiss and it always seems to work out for them, so Phil decides to surprise his human with a kiss. It doesn’t end well, however, because the two of them are sitting far too close so Phil’s head more or less simply collides with Dan’s - rather hard - and Phil’s mouth barely comes in contact with Dan’s ear before Dan falls over, clutching his head. “Phil, what the hell?” he exclaims. “Why did you headbutt me?” 

“Phil wanted to kiss Dan,” the bot explains. “Did Phil not do it right?”

Dan’s face goes crimson almost immediately. “Well typically, kissing doesn’t end with one of you having a concussion,” he mumbles. “I - _god, Phil_ , can you even kiss? You don’t technically have lips, you know.” 

“Phil wants to kiss. Phil wants to kiss Dan,” he repeats. 

“Oh, my god,” Dan mumbles, not meeting Phil’s eyes. His face is positively burning now. 

“Does Dan want to kiss Phil?” Phil asks. “Is that why Dan is blushing?” 

Dan’s eyes widen. “Is that why - no!” he insists. “I’m blushing because - you know what, nevermind, forget about my face.” 

“But Phil likes Dan’s face,” Phil says sincerely. 

“ _Stop!_ ” Dan groans, but he’s smiling so Phil is sure that he doesn’t actually mean for Phil to stop. Humans are bizarre like that; whenever you say something nice to them, they tell you to stop when they really want you to keep saying it. 

Dan takes a deep breath, running his hands over his face (Phil wonders if he’s trying to wipe the blush off of his face; it’s not working) and he says, “So. About this whole kissing thing.”

“Will Dan kiss Phil?” the robot asks. 

“I - why do you want to kiss me anyway?” Dan asks. “We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, now, for all you know, I could be a terrible kisser.”

Phil doesn’t understand how someone can be a terrible kisser. Does that mean someone can be a good kisser? Clearly, he needs to do more research on this. But regardless of what more he needs to read into on the act of kissing, he still wants his first Christmas kiss. And he wants it to be with Dan, there’s no one else he could even imagine kissing besides Dan. “But Phil has never been kissed,” he explains. “And in the movies, humans kiss all the time at Christmas. Phil wants a Christmas kiss.” 

Dan runs his fingers through his hair. “I cannot believe I’m going to do this,” he mutters under his breath, and Phil beeps happily.

“Dan will kiss Phil?” he asks. 

“If that’s what you really want,” Dan says slowly, and he turns so he’s facing Phil, but Phil instead leaps off of the couch, grabbing Dan by the arm as he goes. “What the - Phil where are we going?”

“Outside!” Phil says. “In Christmas movies, humans always kiss outside. Phil wants to kiss outside; Phil wants to be romantic.”

“Romantic?” Dan repeats, struggling to keep up with Phil as the bot as he rushes out of Dan’s flat and makes his way outside. 

“Romantic - conducive to or characterized by the expression of love,” Phil explains. “Phil loves Dan, so Phil wants to be romantic.”

“I know what romantic means - oh my god, it’s cold!” Dan exclaims, finally freeing his hand from Phil’s grasp to wrap his arms around his middle. It’s Christmas Eve for fuck’s sake, and December in general in England is arguably the coldest time of the year, and Dan isn’t wearing shoes right now. The cold air is seeping through the material of his socks and he vaguely wonders if his toes are going to end up falling off because it’s _that_ fucking cold. “For the record, frostbite and hypothermia is not romantic,” he tells Phil. A gust of wind blows by - just what they _don’t_ need when it’s already literally so freezing - and Dan hopes Phil’s systems aren’t going to shut down or anything because of the harsh weather conditions at the moment. 

“Phil will remember that,” the bot says. “But nighttime is romantic, and the stars are romantic, and the moon is romantic,” Phil points up to the sky and says, “Look at the moon Dan, look how pretty.” 

Dan humors him, and he tilts his head back to look up and he sees the moon shining bright in the sky. And truth be told, he can’t deny that it’s such a beautiful sight. The cold must be getting to his head because it’s Christmas Eve and he’s standing out here under the stars with the person he loves the most, knowing he’s going to kiss him - despite the fact that he’s a fucking robot - is kind of… romantic to him.

Yeah, the cold is definitely getting to his head.

“Does Dan want the moon?” Phil asks, bringing Dan out of his thoughts and the brunet looks at him. “Just say the word and Phil will throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Phil will give Dan the moon.”

Dan’s lips twitch into a smirk. Did Phil seriously just quote the movie they just finished watching together? Is he for real - _god_ he’s so fucking _cute_. “When did you get to be so smooth, Phil?” 

“Phil is smooth - feel.” He extends his arm, which is _very_ smooth as he’s recently been polished, for Dan to feel, and laughingly, Dan pushes his arm away.

“That’s not what I - nevermind,” He shakes his head. “Right, so how do you want to do this?” 

Phil shrugs. “How do you kiss?” he asks and Dan hasn’t had to have a conversation like this since his younger brother entered his awkward teen years and _that_ was a painfully awkward conversation to have - how the hell is he meant to explain kissing to a robot? It was hard enough trying to explain the concept of love to him and even that didn’t end as well as either of them thought it would (though, Dan did get the point across so he gave himself a pat on the back anyway). 

“Um, I think I’ll probably be doing most of the work,” Dan stutters, suddenly way too nervous about this; it’s not as though this is his first kiss (though it is his first kiss with a robot - words he never imagined would ever cross his mind at any point in his life) but there’s just something about knowing he’s going to kiss Phil that’s making his stomach do flips. “Just - just follow my lead, okay?” he says. He decides to treat Phil the way he’d treat any other girl or guy he’d kiss, and he closes the gap between them, bringing his hand up to cup Phil’s cheek - which he recoils almost immediately because he forgot that Phil is _metal_ and so cold that it actually hurts to touch him. “Jesus Christ, Phil! You’re freezing,” Dan says, taking a step back from Phil after the initial contact. 

The robot blinks. “Phil doesn’t know how Dan’s skin feels, but Phil assumes that it’s lovely. And cold.” 

Dan can’t help but to smile. “Well, for what it’s worth, you’re lovely too,” he says. And he decides not to waste anymore time; he pushes himself forward and presses his lips to Phil’s mouth.

It was a feeling that Dan has never experienced before. He’s definitely doing all of the kissing, and Phil was just standing there receiving the kiss, and it’s cold and awkward but… nice? In a way? Kissing Phil is making his heart race and his palms sweat, and this is honestly the weirdest fucking thing he’s ever done, but he’d only do it for Phil. Only for Phil.

Similarly, Phil has no idea how to feel about this. He stands there while Dan kisses him, and he can’t stop thinking about how he should probably be doing other than just standing there and being kissed. In the movies, one of the humans usually bring their hands up to hold their kissing human close to them so Phil awkwardly grabs at Dan’s hips, holding him close against his body. Metal robotic bodies and human bodies are a very strange combination, and it feels very weird to have Dan embracing him in this way, and his and Dan’s bodies aren’t made to fit together. But for some reason, it works. Because Dan’s chest is to his chest, and Phil’s hands fit comfortably on his hips, and it just feels _right_. Phil doesn’t understand how or why it works, but then again, he doesn’t understand how or why he and Dan work. But they do. They really do. 

Kissing is weird though, because Dan’s mouth is on his mouth for a long time and it feels just as bizarre as it looks in the movies. But it’s nice, kissing is definitely nice. He likes the feeling of Dan kissing him, and he may not be sure if he wants to kiss anyone else but he really likes kissing Dan. 

Dan brings his hands up to Phil’s shoulders and he makes a move to pull away - but he doesn’t. He _can’t_. His eyes widen in shock and horror and _holy fucking shit is he stuck to Phil’s mouth?_

Phil notices that Dan isn’t kissing him anymore, though his lips are still pressed to Dan’s mouth, and he pushes him gently to help him get off of him but Dan lets out a muffled, pained shout when he does this and he still doesn’t pull away. 

His mouth is definitely stuck to Phil’s. 

The robot does a quick websearch to figure out what’s going on right now, because Dan is starting to panic as he shouts muffled swear words, and he figures out that the saliva on Dan’s tongues freezes solid, creating a steadfast connection, and something called thermal conductivity - which is a measure of how fast heat flows through a material - is to blame as well. The higher the conductivity, the faster heat moves, and objects in contact with each other attempt to reach a thermal equilibrium, so something at a higher temperature (in this case, Phil) will transfer heat to the cooler object (in this case, Dan). Since Phil is metal and he was exposed to freezing temperatures, he stole heat away from Dan’s tongue faster than the human’s body heat can come to the tongue’s rescue. As a result, Dan’s saliva froze solid inside all the nooks and crannies of his tongue and that’s why he’s stuck now. 

Seems logical. Phil tries to explain all of this to Dan, but he finds his hard to talk with Dan’s mouth stuck against his. And now Dan is freaking out, which is making it difficult for Phil to concentrate and search for a remedy to make Dan un-stuck, so Phil ends up making a call to the fire brigade for help.

* * *

The fire brigade manages to detach the two of them and they don’t stop laughing the entire time. And Dan’s mouth is sore now and there seems to be a permanent blush on his face. The two of them relocate back inside of the flat but Dan doesn’t sit very close to Phil on the couch anymore - not because he’s angry with Phil, because it’s not his fault that Dan’s lips got stuck to him, but because he’s embarrassed about all of this. But Phil doesn’t see what Dan would have to be embarrassed about; even though they did get stuck together, it was a very good kiss. Phil is never going to forget it. 

Sulkily, Dan says to Phil, “You better not tell _anyone_ about this,” but Phil can’t imagine keeping the story of his first Christmas kiss to himself. Despite the obvious setbacks towards the end, it was utterly perfect. He hopes that they can do it again next Christmas Eve, because Phil decides that he _really_ loves Christmas now, even more than he did before.


End file.
